Serve the Self First: A Lone Walk Through Pain, Realization and Healing

In the last episode we became aware of how to pivot from suffering into contentment, and I'm using the word contentment deliberately. It's not like life just became suddenly less challenging. The immediate result of this first step is to become aware that every event in life is neutral. This is creating contentment and relief. Life is not working for us or against us. What matters is how our character interprets these events, that matters. As Bashar said, "Circumstances don't matter. Only state of being matters." Z said something similar: "Expect nothing, appreciate everything." Both perspectives have the same foundation: a fundamental, breathtaking neutrality, that permeates everything. Therefore, we should not take sides, polarize, or attach. Sadly, this is something that I neglected very recently.

Like everybody else, I am going through my own ordeal, and I am in a state of limbo. I went for a walk to walk it off, and though I was walking for a longer time than usual, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that all my attachments are crumbling. One thing I noticed, is that no matter how many times my soul is compressed, beaten, shredded and wrought by this meat grinder called life, there’s always some part of my soul left to sustain this process. And then it repeats itself, as if the prison warden of this polarized prison planet is getting a kick out of administering never-ending pain and suffering. That’s the story of my life and I guess everybody’s life: a perpetual story of internal death, despair and anxiety. Suffice to say, it is not easy. During my walk the only thing that could lighten my feelings was looking at the wet, leafless trees. Bird nests, sometimes a dozen on each tree against the backdrop of an opaque, dark grey and depressingly dull Irish sky. The birds don’t mind, I noticed. They live a different life, unaware of my own predicament. It’s like they live in a different universe, where they don’t merely live, but instead truly exist. If the weather was warmer, I would love to lie in a meadow and daydream, like I used to do when I was young, away from the pesky, civilised world.

I asked my self, how much more suffering is there to endure? How much suffering is truly enough? I couldn’t see the end of it.

When I came back from my walk my joints were aching as I overdid it with walking. My hips and knees hurt quite ferociously from the torment I subjected them and while I didn’t feel as much pain while I was walking, they were now burning with it. I thought that this is the price I’m paying for being so vulnerable and so thoroughly focused on my own ordeal. No, it’s not easy at all.

By 4 pm I was so exhausted mentally and emotionally, that I had to lie down to calm my mind. Still, I was tossing and turning, unable to get some rest. I woke up at about 7 pm, somewhat rested, but my mind was still not at ease.

Our poor little character in life is infinitely small compared to the forces that shape it. After a while, I grimly thought that we are becoming very proficient in bearing our suffering. Only few of us pull the emergency brake and opt to exit this train called life before its final destination. The rest of us keep going. Go hard or go home as they say. I remembered a poem by A. E. Housman, called "To an Athlete Dying Young". I thought that this applies to all of us who chose to follow the spiritual path, to advance spiritually or die trying; or pull the emergency brake and exit the train prematurely. How much pain and suffering are necessary for somebody to pull the emergency brake? Forgotten are youth’s achievements, for they are only temporary. What truly matters is the soul itself and it measures success by values other than vanity or temporary pleasure of any kind. Even the rose in the poem withers away. Fragility, vulnerability, integrity. All these are immortal values, for they persevere after the death of the character and live on to tell a tale of perseverance and spiritual commitment. No, I am not suicidal. Luckily, I outgrew this pesky tendency during the course of numerous lifetimes.

Slowly I began to immerse my self into my writing routine. It helped a lot. Seeing my thoughts become words, sentences and paragraphs in front of my eyes was a relief. I caught my self wondering, whether this was escapism or genuine progress in feeling better. Perhaps a bit of both. Who cares, I thought, as long as I’m feeling better.

One thing is certain. I have decided that it’s best to immerse my self in my creative endeavours, not thinking about other people, as they have their own crosses to bear. I am choosing consciously to devote all my energy to healing my self and advancing on my own spiritual path. Every one of us is responsible and accountable for their own self – none other. This thought was immensely liberating. I am only responsible and accountable for my own self. I can show the way to others, but I will not plague my self anymore with self-judgment and self-blame that comes from interactions with other humans. I am free to take care of my self without the self-imposed burden of assisting others before helping my self. The question of whether to serve others or serve the self, pushes itself to the focus of our awareness. Many would say service to others takes precedence, but that’s not why we came to this world. It’s simply not. We came primarily to serve our true Self. If we can serve others in the process, so be it. To serve others at the expense of our selves though, or while neglecting our selves would be a monumental act of selfishness, not to mention arrogant. Appearances can be deceptive. Who are we to know better than our true Self? Did we check our selves in the mirror first? We serve first and foremost our true Self and then others. Period. How can we assist others if we don’t advance our selves on the spiritual path? Compassion and understanding in all aspects are so crucial, yet I find them missing from my fellow humans. Sometimes they are more present and sometimes they are less present. We are typically immersed in our own issues, biased, polarized and guided by our characters, deluding our selves that we do the right thing, while missing the bigger picture, like doctors focussing on treating symptoms while they become oblivious to their original intent, which is curing the disease that causes the symptoms. Looking at the bigger picture matters. Low level assistance is only permitted, if the bigger picture warrants it. We are slaves of our ego, no matter how we look at it and our egos are omnipresent. Our actions and motivations are so imperfect, that we are blinded by their seemingly perfect justification, believing that we are becoming perfect again. Our ego emerges victoriously yet again. That’s why it appears that we must suffer constantly, dying little by little inside until there is nothing left of the ego to die. This is how we learn when we’re focused outwardly. We learn the hard way, until we focus inwardly, remove our gaze from others and look into the mirror, to heal and advance our selves first. We can only assist others when we are sufficiently advanced in the context of the assistance that we intend to render. That’s why assistance is a double-edged sword. It may cut both ways, sever multiple layers and have also negative repercussions on either side. This is why it is imperative to assist only when it is necessary beyond the shadow of a doubt and as much as necessary, otherwise we run the risk of creating more harm by interfering with processes that don’t warrant assistance or intervention viewed from a higher perspective. The lessons we learn in life are the result of our interactions with other imperfect characters while observing our thoughts, actions and feelings. Assistance should not be rendered lightly, and intervention should not be initiated, based on superficial or one-sided observation. Nobody learns forcefully when a third party decides that an intervention is required, unless of course the bigger picture warrants it. We are all equals and we all think, feel and learn on our own.

All the above can conjure up all kinds of mental and emotional torment, depending on how thin- or thick-skinned we are. The more naked and vulnerable we are, the more visceral can the lesson be. Learning is a personal, intimate process and assistance is a skill and an artform. Saying or doing the right thing is something rare and the motto “less is more” is applicable here.

I am immensely grateful for the circumstances in my life leading me to learn a bunch of lessons through all my ordeals. Grateful to the point that I am almost tearing up now. Humiliation becomes humility. Self-judgment and self-blame become acceptance of self and facilitate further integration. The wealth of wisdom that I received through my torment is almost unbearable in its scope and extent. As I mentioned before, the result was liberating and joyful, shedding more of my character in the process. Recognizing all lessons inherent in a shock-and-awe event is key if we don’t want to risk experiencing a similar event and the torment it will cause again. The “Blade of Grass” concept comes to mind. Experiencing life instead of merely living it requires a vulnerable attitude and cannot be accomplished as a thick-skinned individual. It is necessary to immerse our selves into the whole and complete experience, rather than rise above it and avoid it. We are guided by our true Self, who knows what’s necessary and what’s not. Our character must surrender to this experience to get the most out of it. Pain and suffering are only inevitable to the degree we resist experiencing life. Lessons are multi-facetted and show the perspectives of the assistant or assistants as well as the receiver or receivers of such assistance. All perspectives are valid. If we fail to accept that, we might as well accept that we failed to learn. I repeat, all perspectives are valid. Morality is highly subjective and can be either ego-led or Heart-led. Experiencing, understanding and accepting all perspectives is the goal of our learning and attaching our selves to our own perspectives is detrimental to our own evolution. No single perspective is “good” to the exclusion of others. “Good” and “bad” require 3D-based context and constitute a polarity of their own. They are of no import in 4D, where all polarities are blended, their multi-facetted perspectives integrated, and available in all ramifications and meanings we have assigned them. Being open-minded, willing to learn, willing to accept and willing to change is crucial.

So, where does this leave us in the context of pain and suffering? The practical takeaway of all this is that pain and suffering do not exist, if we focus on our selves, assist selectively, proportionally, and only if the situation warrants it by looking at the bigger picture, don’t interfere willy-nilly and stay in our own lane. Knowing when and how to assist others is intimately tied to the degree such assistance is necessitated by our own ego or our true Self and yields valuable lessons for all involved. It is part of being sovereign and compassionate in all aspects, for we can only learn life lessons gracefully by being both, reflecting a sense of realization of all perspectives relevant to all parties involved. In other words, we must deeply understand our own situation and that of those we wish to assist. This will determine the scope as well as the need for such assistance, which in turn will illuminate the way such assistance may be rendered. No situation is inherently black or white and stepping back and out of our own perspective to focus on our personal spiritual growth is now more important than ever, requiring detachment from ego that the ego will fiercely resist. Chances are that we don’t know all aspects of a situation based solely on its assessment by the mind and jumping into action based on any mind-based interpretation has the potential to open Pandora’s box for all involved. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. In a universe where all perspectives are valid, restraint can be a blessing.